Topic: Star Trek: STD.

[8ullfrog]

Bored, ran out of fanfic to read. I usually have about 25 tabs floating, but the levy was dry.

So I'm watching STD. ew. And the show, honestly, more ew.

The preview made me despise our villain protagonist, Michael Burnham. She decided she knew better than anyone in Starfleet, and fired off a war. Oh, and she got her captain impaled. Starfleet frowns on that, so she got life in prison.


So now I'm watching the first episode on the ugly ass ship known as discovery.

S1X3 - Context is for kings

 Now, the design for this garbage ship actually dates back to The Motion Picture, or ST: TMP. We like our colons. It was rejected as a poo design. Funny enough, the Enterprise-E had to be redesigned several times, as the nacelles resembled chicken wings. It ended up closer to the Constitution class (STAR TREK) more than any other series ship. Funny how that works.


The crew of Discovery must enjoy dog fighting, as Tory Foster from Battlestar Galactica instantly shoves Michael burnham into one, then makes her a slave. Way to make us like the ship and crew, producers.

Like people were RUDE to Tom Paris on Voyager, but they didn't shove him into a shank fight with other prisoners. Star Trek Tory Foster is a garbage human.

Then we're introduced to creepy captain Lucius Malfoy, who does a startlingly decent southern drawl. Like I know that's the closest to an English accent in American English, but dayum. His family makes fortune cookies. I guess that's a reference to humans making crap even though money is no longer a concern, ala the Picard Winery, but it just seems like, a reference? You should probably do more to create a character. Then again... Tom Paris.

So Michael Burnham gets a madam roommate, Cadet Wart Face. I know we're supposed to be above poo like this, but I want to take a razor to her warts. It's distracting. Cadet wart face is an bottom and a joker. The STD community says she's wonderful, and the best thing ever. We disagree.


The next day, Michael Burnham, Villain protagonist, is assigned to MAIN ENGINEERING. Because that's where you want to stick mutineers. The LT. in charge of engineering is an EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE gay stereotype. Not as in camp. He's not wearing a neckerchief, but he's a total madam.

He makes Michael Burnham crunch code, like an intern. I think he calls her code crunching intern several times. Burnham calls cowpoo on the code, it's not math, it's biology. Everyone makes conspiracy eyes at each other, then tell her to STFU.

So she code mon- yeah no, I'm not going to say a black woman code monkeys. That makes ME uncomfortable. Anyway, she finds out Chief Engineer stereotype isn't just a joker, he's not qualified for his position and made a mistake. She collects cadet wartface's breath signature, seriously, what the golly is with these garbage biometric security methods? Anyway, she finds out Discovery is a grow farm for some kind of mucus, or fungus. Whatever, it's stupid.

Then another ship, that is doing the same stupid poo, and has the same stupid TMP rejected design, dies. Lets send the prisoner, LT. Douchebag, and Cadet Wartface! And of course, Garbage Human Tory Foster.


Like, is Starfleet trying to kill off garbage people, so the real officers can fix poo? Looks like.



Huh, the crew is melted. The away team has shoulder flashlights, but use handheld flashies. Did they not put the batteries in? Were they aiming for creepier? Like in Doom 3, you had to choose between flashlight and gun, but this is ridiculous.


The haunted house, strike thru, ship, is surprisingly effective, and wasted on the show. it's creepy, but we don't care about the people in this haunted house. I've seen fan films with a cast of three more engaging.


inevitable monster is doom 3 bathroom monster. Seriously. WHAT THE golly.

burnham does some stupid alice in wonderland poo I THINK is meant to read as badass, but just comes off as unhinged, or just flat dumb.

They leave a top of the line, FEDERATION STARSHIP to the Doom 3 monster. I don't blame em, that ships feckin uggs. but still, they're at war, right? Jettison the existential horror experiment and slap on more phaser strips and photon torpedo launchers. poo, am I smarter than starfleet command in this show? Probably.

They take Burnham's gear away and put her in a prison suit. Honestly? She's right to want to go back to prison, but she wants in on the grow op.


holy golly, I was right. They're using magic mushrooms to fly the ship. Oh god, it's literally some morons smoking a joint, talking about collective conciousness. And they oversell it. God do they oversell it. It's worse than Threshold.



Wartface unbuns her hair, and biles out her ambition. Burnham hands her Alice in Wonderland. blech.


Captain drawwwls blows up the ghost ship. feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeck. And they saved doom 3 toilet monster! Tory foster is an even bigger madam than I thought! WHY DID THEY BLOW UP THE SHIIIIP?


Even if the grow op was garbage, like I said, jettison that garbage and refit the hull for war!

S1x4 - "The Butcher's Knife Cares Not for the Lamb's Cry"

No. No. No. No. No. And the word means No. Jam that pretentious title up the nearest photon torpedo tube and fire. I already know that's not going to have a damn thing to do with the episode, so cram it with walnuts, ugly.


First, we get a unifrom being replicated. Funny enough, the non starfleet uniform burnham wore in the previous episode had both T-shirt length sleeves, and a sensible collar.

This episode sees her in the walmart greeter + half collar uni everyone on discovery wears.


We get a cowpoo klingon war drill that poorly references WOK, and are left to wonder if the commander in question is Burnham (No, she has been explicitly stripped of rank) or Saru (Doug jones, Space cow. Seriously, he classifies his own species as prey, and seems about as suited for command as damn' Snagglepuss. So once again, Burnham bait.)

She reunites with Doom 3 toilet monster in a room stolen from BSG, Admiral Cain's weapon collection, which showed how unhinged she was. Are we meant NOT to trust Captain Lucius Malfoy?

We jump to the marblemouth klingons, because the producers hate us. Turns out, their heads are purple. They're the damn' california rasins!

The klingons ate Captain Georgiu. Instead of seeming Alien, it just comes off as gross.

OH GOOD TARDIGRADES, AS IF THERE ISN'T ENOUGH cowpoo ABOUT THOSE.

Tory Foster gets racist against vulcans. And points. decisively. Lorca has a tribble. He already had the tribble, but it's still stupid.

Oh, and now they're stealing jumping from BSG, because Warp is Boring!

Lt. Stamets continues to be unlikable, and explains why he can't tech the tech. I wish Lorca would shoot him, I really hate him.

klingon necks have a distracting latticework, it totally naffs with their scenes. Jock Klingons want cloaking from Nerd Klingons. Nerd Klingons want food. They have established a dead klingon as TRUMP KLINGON. REMAIN KLINGON! eww.

Black Alert comes up again. It's stupid. It's red alert with an edgier name. Same feckin' thing.

They spin their saucer right round baby like a record baby right round round round. It's dumb.

Also, it's a Galactica jump. And they do a poo job of it.

They land in the gravitational well of a sun. I don't care how you cowpoo it, you're dead here. At least on galactica they had the Raptor jump into a mountain. That's more explicitly "We bent up, and people are dead" than this abortive attempt.

Stamets is garbage again. We get TOS sound effects. They use Warp drive for some reason. And that fixes a crisis that should have been skipped!

Tory Foster continues to be garbage. Stamets got his face Rekt. Chief Medical Officer is racist against tellarites. Eh, Bones hated vulcans. His badge thingy has a cross.

Lt. Stamets bitches at Malfoy. Elon Musk gets a so far undeserved name check (dafuq is with that)

Captain Malfoy demoralizes the crew. Way to go, jerkass.

Tory Foster gets rekt. Like shredded bbq. She deserves it. Doom 3 monster eats plants and naffs with nobody who naffs with it, so Tory shoots it with a gun, despite knowing guns just piss it off.

Captain malfoy is annoyed.

Klingons board the bitchin' Shenzou, whose design kicks the golly out of the Discovery. And they steal stuff.

Also, they have dope Iron Man space suits. Federation space suits suck.

Neo Trump sexually harasses female klingon L'Rell while stealing the warp core They have four nostrils, their language continues to annoy.

L'rell power plays behind this muppet, and he accepts. Jackass. They heist the core.

albino jerk praises Klingon Trump.

Cow man is bitchy. His name is Saru.

Protaganist Villain decides to feed the monster some of the grow op.

Doom 3 monster gets high, yo.

OH MOTHER OF golly, the monsters are shroom fiends.

Female Klingon jackwagon betrays the other klingon jackwagon

Twice. Why?

The Toyota robot jams arms into the doom 3 monster, it looks painful. They use it as a GPS. When has GPS ever steered a sci-fi series wrong?

They jump. There is a borg lady who... isn't borg? I've heard they don't bother giving the bridge crew characterization, but a borg officer BEFORE kirk, is kind of a big deal.

Spore monster looks sad   Klingons die. A lot. It doesn't make much sense. Everyone looks happy. Except spore monster. Like seriously, I watched this happen, and it's kind of like their displacement wave kills the Klingons, but it's explicitly stated that it isn't that. BUT IT IS!

Albino klingon is left to freeze on dead shenzou. Female klingon L'rell shows up again, for uninspiring double cross.

So it's white klingon and purple female klingon vs. other purple klingons.

Purple female klingon L'rell promises albino douche klingon something (probably the secks) with other matriarchal klingons. WOW THIS IS BAD.

Albino douchelord is named Voq.

Burnham feeds doom 3 monster more drugs. Even though she said this violates the geneva conventions of 1923 and 2153.

Wart face continues to be a bad roommate. And is greasy.

Burnham gets a really depressing bequest. Like holy poo.

I think that's all I can take tonight.

[6pairsofshoes]

It sounds like a series about venereal disease in outer space.   

[8ullfrog]

Yeah, they tried to get ahead of that by rebranding it "DISCO" as if that's better.


Kind of reminds me of when Microsoft said "Don't call the One X the XBONE.

Sadly, it looks like people listened to Microsoft. And their current console is the Xbox One X.

I don't like this show, at all. I thought Rekha Sharma was fantastic on BSG, but this show makes me damn hate her. And she wasn't exactly a likable character on BSG. I remember you mentioning a particular moment she had with Chief Tyrol where he didn't much appreciate what she did with his wife.

[6pairsofshoes]

There are some actors who gravitate toward unlikeable characters because they are more interesting and fun to play rather than popular and/or virtuous ones.  Maybe that's her type.  She doesn't have a "sweet" face, and maybe that's the deal there, like the Dean Stockwell cylon with his particularly craggy and unbeautiful face and odious character. I'd expect after years of being a Disney pretty boy, this must have been appealing.

But as for watching a series that gives more frustration than pleasure?  Learn from my mistake of pursuing that trainwreck that was Earth:Final Conflict.  Just don't.  Life's too short.  Maybe you aren't into more Earthbound sci-fi series like Counterpart, because they're more drama focused (although you'd be hard put to find more melodramatic soap operas than BSG) but maybe you should try it?  The actors are very good and it's interesting, although you don't get why there are two alternative worlds until Season 2.  I gave up on the 100 because it became just a stupid teenage warrior show.  I got tired of watching attractive young people with lots of make up and goofy costumes beating the crap out of one other.  What's the point?  That's too bad because the show had some real promise at first.

[8ullfrog]

Nah, she's absolutely beautiful, it was the character who was ugly. She told a great story on a talk show about how she kept trying to get her dad to watch BSG, and the one he chose to watch happened to be the one she boinked Baltar in. Her father is a Hindu Priest.

I didn't really intend to pick up the series, just figured I'd watch a few last night. I heard they go really batshit with the mirror universe stuff, but I honestly don't think I can hang in for that. It's not a good show. The most likable person on the show is creepy Captain Malfoy, and you can tell they are trying to drip feed as little Jason Isaacs as possible. Maybe he gets paid by the minutes he's onscreen?


Oh, I heard Rekha Sharma dies horribly in the 100 too. Maybe she just likes dying on shows.

[6pairsofshoes]

Looking sweet and being beautiful are not the same thing.  The actress is lovely, but she doesn't look like Shirley Temple, so it's easy to cast her in an evil role effectively.  Similarly, the actor who plays Leoben (Callum Keith Rennie) on BSG is actually a good looking man, but he has a certain variance from the conventional good looks of a Brad Pitt that enables him to look creepy or evil and his character, although somewhat nuanced, is not exactly one of the good guys.  Rutger Hauer owes his career to this characteristic.  There are lots of such actors.

I only vaguely remember the earlier parts of the 100.  She's in Season 2, so quite early in the series.  The 100 find that there's a fortress where a bunch of people survived the bombing by staying inside -- it's well equipped with food, etc. but they're not immune to the radiation.  So the fortress people start this sadistic thing of stealing bone marrow from the 100 because the injected marrow allows them to go outside and live somewhat normal lives on the still radioactive planet (as long as they, like everyone else, ran indoors to avoid the acid rain).  Needless to say the 100 aren't particularly happy to be part of these experiments.  She may have been one of the sicko doctors who did that.  Her death would have been associated with the efforts to stop this practice.  I can't remember and I'm too lazy to look into it.  There is a core of about 6 actors who are the main cast and she's not among them.

[8ullfrog]

Ah, gotcha. It's a spoiler for another series, but Callum Keith Rennie shows up on another show as a sheriff, and they totally make you think he's in on whatever "IT" is. Turns out nope. He's a bit of a richard, but he is good at his job, and he'll save anyone he can. It was a good inversion.

I've read a lot of these "recurring actors" simply live in the Vancouver area and aren't picky. A lot of BSG alum showed up on Stargate first as well. Chief Tyrol was a Jaffa... TWICE. For two different system lords! Pick a side, Chief!


As to STD, I heard they made Spock insane. Not the way I'd go with it, but then again they're not exactly raising the bar here.

[8ullfrog]

So, I ran out of poo to read and gave this another shot.

We left off on Burnham getting Dead Captain's Telescope as a bequest.

I actually liked the fifth episode, unlike the previous four. It's like they sanded off some of the edges. It starts with a pretty dumb premise though

We're skipped three months since the last episode. The magic mushroom highway has left Discovery play with cheat codes. They're always in the right place at the right time and save the day.

Which means it's time for an Admiral to mess things up. Evil Admirals are a mainstay of Star Trek, and this one does not disappoint. Much like Sansa from GOT, or Skyler white from Breaking Bad, she's here to stop the fun times.

So rather than using 3d skype, which is established as being reliable technology, we get another shuttle ride to the mandatory meeting, and of COURSE the shuttle is instantly captured. Shuttles sure are unreliable in this show.


The klingons bring Lorca to space jail, where the guards come in, and you rock paper scissors for who the guard will beat the poo out of. And DANG do they throw down. Total Dental Rearangement. With a boot.

The violence is really, I don't know the term, leered at? It usually is in the series, and it actually gave me nightmares after I stopped watching.

Lorca escapes with another prisoner, and instantly makes him his new Chief of security, since Landry killed herself being an bottom to a caged animal. That madam had problems.


The toilet monster is freed. Good thing it's a stupid monster. If someone stabbed me in the ribs repeatedly for eight months and then flushed me out of the ship like garbage, I'd hold a grudge. Lt. Engineer bottom replaces the toilet monster.

Episode six  was dumb and furthers the Mary Sue Burnham is spocks sister crap. I didn't care for it, it's stupid, it goes on for a long time, I did not like the episode, and neither did anyone else, it's in the bottom 3. I do like the implication that the messed up mind meld Sarek did when Burnham was a kid led to a soul bond, that was kind of neat, even if it's horribly overused in fanfic.


Episode 7 is the groundhog day episode, and apparently it's the one everyone likes, it's the only episode that hit the premier viewing numbers. It starts fun, with groundhog shenanigans, but like the klingon prison episode, the violence goes from comedic to horrifying pretty damn quick. At one point Burnham flat out kills herself in one of the most agonizing ways possible, just to get the bottom looper to start a new loop.

One thing I did like is that Lt. bottom Engineer seems to have been severely chilled the golly out by replacing the Doom 3 monster for the mushroom navigation. Not only does he work towards saving the day, he works to make Burnham a better person. He even teaches her to dance. That being said, PTSD is severely under-represented in this show. Lt. bottom has the memories of dying in pain horribly and repeatedly, and it's kind of just laughed at.
I actually like the character now. His name is Paul Stamets. Which is kind of annoying because that's the name of a real life mycologist. That would be like naming an evil version of Tilly "Killy" More on that later.

Tilly is still super bless'ed annoying.


Episode 8 sucked. Sentient forest mind controls the weird space cow man. Klingons act like assholes to each other. The episode is certainly worth a skip.


Episode 9 continues the plot of episode 8. Lt. Stamets has a plan to outsmart the klingon cloaking device because if they don't, the war will be lost. PTSD actually causes problems for once instead of being glossed over. Captain Malfoy makes his eeeeevil play.


Episode 10

Mirror universe. I liked the bits where Tilly has to be Captain Killy, and the way the ship is modified to pass as it's evil counterpart. The actual plot is dumb and bad. Lt. PTSD kills the doctor, and makes it look like Lt. Stamets did it because Stamets got driven insane by the jumps against the Klingon and jumping to the mirror universe.


I liked the Mirror Universe version of the Helm Officer. She's a carryover from the Shenzou, and the one I thought was borg. Turns out the headgear is for damage sustained when the Shenzou got rekt. Far from being a one note evil dirtbag, she actually shows some sympathy for Mary Sue Burnham, but explains that Imperial Law is absolute, and has to be followed. It's one 30 second scene of greatness among a sea of crapulence.

The episode was directed by Jonathan Frakes, he probably slipped that one in. It's very TNG human. Plus dressing up a crew member to make the ship look like someone else commands it is directly lifted from an episode of TNG where Worf pretends to be the KLINGON captain of the Enterprise. That was super fun too.


It's also a shame that she's pretty much background decoration in the Prime Universe, because Discovery might as well be the Michael Burnham show. Everything revolves around Burnham, and how she feels.


Episode 11:

Not great. Nothing that really happens in this episode matters, because the Emperor shows up and blows up the people Burnham was negotiating with.

Lt. PTSD is revealed to be a klingon, changing pretty much nothing. They should be killing him, but they don't. They also don't really explain how Voq became Ash, because it isn't just facial reconstruction. It's more like they chopped up the Human's meat parts and jammed Voq in. Like a bent up meat robocop.

The emperor is revealed to be Michele Yeoh. Maybe she'll get revenge on Burnham for getting her killed and eaten. Yes, the Klingons ate the original universe Michele Yeoh. Yuck.


Episode 12

I liked this episode, but I don't know why. The Emperor makes Burnham eat the Mirror universe version of the cow man. WHAT THE golly IS WITH THIS SHOW AND EATING PEOPLE?


She loved the Mirror version of Burnham, but always has an eye out for trechery. When she figures out she's got a different Burnham, she kills all the Admirals. It's pretty cool, but the gore is once again presented in a leer.


Captain Malfoy is revealed to be DUN DUN DUN, EVIL.  His plan is stupid. Like seriously, you escape the crapsack universe... And go back? He goes from Fairly competent Captain to stupid evil monologue monster in one second flat. I get the feeling the writers wanted to poison the well of ever having Jason Issacs return to the show. They make him gross, just to make him gross.


Episode 13:

Captain Malfoy frees his people, who really should have just been executed. You don't let a wolf have a second chance to go for your throat when you live in a universe of wolves eyeing your neck.

Mirror Rekha Sharma appears to be exactly the same person, but I imagined she's less nasty in the mirror universe. I wish they'd done more with her, but she's a sneering redshirt here.

What I said about the wolves totally happens, and The Emperor decides to go out fighting. Burnham doesn't let her.

Mirror stamets exists for a little while, then the Malfoy crew kill him for shits and giggles. Even though he just saved them. Weirdos.


The Emperor and Burnham discover blowing up the Emperor's ship will somehow launch Discovery back into their original universe because mushrooms. So they do that.

Rekha Sharma gets one last sneer in and dies. So does Captain Malfoy and his MAGA hat wearing crew.


Then I went to bed. I don't know if I'll watch any more, this was pretty bad, even the parts I liked just made me wish for a better star trek.


Update: Watched the last two. 14/15

The discovery comes home to find they are eight months in the future. Rather than fix that with the magic cowpoo drive, we go forward. The federation is losing the war. The klingons kill everyone in a base, then tag it up, graffiti style. I actually buy that, klingons would totally throw tags. Hell, TNG klingons used Crip culture, although I can't find the source for it now. Dang, I wish I could, it's some interesting stuff, unlike these MKGA klingons. Sometimes the allusions hit you over the head with being unsubtle, and holy poo did they go nuts with the plan for these episodes.


Supposedly, they're going to Kronos to map it for space to ground bombing, a standard war. In reality, they cribbed off Captain Nero from Star Trek 2009, and plan to blow the klingon homeworld to hell, on advice from The Emperor.


To that length, The Emperor assumes the identity of Captain Georgiou, whom you may recall, was eaten by klingons. Her Imperial counterpart already destroyed the klingon homeworld to subjugate their people, and they're going with her playbook.


She does a pretty poo job pretending to be a starfleet Captain, but it's pretty funny. Especially how she tries to make friends with Tilly, by telling her that her hair looks like poo. She then reminisces about them blowing up a planet (Not Kronos).


They beam down under the false identity of arms traders, this plot point I actually liked, they raided Dead captain Malfoy's gun collection.


Then they go to a bar. The Emperor picks up some prostitutes, and leaves Tilly behind, where she is instantly predated upon by an Orion Clint Howard.


He's a skeevy golly, and forces her to either smoke some space crack, or get the golly out of the bar. She does, he tries to steal the "Mapping Probe" and Tilly descovers it's a planet destroying bomb. We get a description on how it essentially will turn the planet into a deep fryer, Then the Emperor knocks Tilly the golly out and takes the bomb.


Burnham discovers that this is an officially sanctioned mission and mutinies. Again. This time everyone backs her up.


Burnham talks the emperor down and tosses her her walking papers. Then they hand the bomb over to their klingon prisoner, because we're out of time and we need to wrap the season.


She uses the bomb to blackmail all the klingons to back her play, and stop trying to destroy the Federation, even though she could totally just let the klingons destroy earth and win the war.


Also, pretty much every klingon will now want to kill the poo out of her.


Everyone gets medals, all four of the named characters get promotions/are reinstated, and the awesome Helmswoman gets friggin nothing, despite the fact that she sucessfully jumped a massive fuckugly starship into a cave. She made Tom Paris look like a madam. I mean we are led to believe that LANDING a starship is an insanely dangerous move in the Star Trek universe, and she managed to jump the ship into a cave without leaving a scratch. That's better than Sulu!


Then they run into the Enterprise to have a cliffhanger. She's closer to a movie Constitution than the 2009 Edselprise, but I honestly don't want this show touching the Enterprise.


My source didn't have the bonus scene, but it's on youtube. Those horrible writing Men in Black, Section 31, most notable for hiring KHAN in "Into Darkness" recruit THE EMPEROR to work for them. Because that will end well.

So the idiots are the section that "Doesn't Exist" and they wear black badges that clearly identify them. These chuckleheads showed up in the episode where Burnham got shanghaied aboard discovery by Captain Malfoy, and it is some seriously stupid poo.

Also, the Delta Chevron was originally a unit patch for the Enterprise. Other federation starships used different symbols. On DSC? The gits are woven into the uniforms like scales.

If I was the Emperor, I'd tell them to golly off and enjoy owning a bar. Those idiots are a fast track to a space vampire, or getting your head smashed like a watermellon by Khan.

I really do like Michelle Yeoh as the Emperor, and holy poo when she kicks over her own shoulder, it makes me wince.