God help me, I think I'm gonna load up 5ast 5ive tonight.
AST 5IVE opens with a stunt that's a mix between Just Cause and GTA.
One of the annoying ones where you die constantly until you figure out the "trick" Still, hell of a sequence.
Another baddy has Vin Diesel wrapped up in chains and believes he has the upper hand. SUCKER! Sure enough, when baddies go for kill, CHAIN-FU.
Mr. Rock shows up and gets the one PG-13 golly permissable. Seemed a bit cheap. Seeing his arrival reminds me of the notorious runway from the next film. 5 miles long, I've read.
Apparently the baddie for this one is borrowed from Desperado. He gives a civilized, board room pitch. Dwayne is delivering garbage dialog but GOT DANG if he doesn't deliver.
Good news, bad news, he likes the dessert first. Then for the bad news, he says "Give me the veggies." That is GARBAGE, but he delivered.
Rock rides in a custom SUV, it's comical. Even with headphones I'm dealing with the quiet dialogue, deafining gunshots problem. golly this future.
Pretty sure MW2 straight up ripped the favella mission out of this movie, and I don't blame them. It's pulse pounding, no thinky action. Like, they portray Mr. Diesel as some agile cat, nimbly pimbly bouncing roof to roof.
Mr. Johnson SLAMS THROUGH CRAP, AND MURDILATES THE PANTYHOSE GANGERS WHILE HE'S AT IT. JABRONIS! It's visually stunning, but the way they cash on horrible poverty makes me feel bad for watching. This isn't toon town, people really live in these conditions.Interestingly, Vin's "crew" go non-lethal, punches, kicks, and running. As mentioned, Rock MURDILATES.
Almost seems his character has a murder fetish, and this chase allows him to sate it.
Okay, it's not subtext, Rock's crew straight up ventilates. They're not looking for confessions. Hah, then they confirm it, this isn't an investigation, they consider Vin and Paul names on a list.
Holy poo, they did an emotional scene where "Brian" talks about not even remembering his father, and "Dom" tells him he won't be like that. And then we segue into the "team assembly" scene straight out of the 1970's.
the two guys from the previous film, their schtick is spanish, and it's lame. Tyrese, lame. Ludacris, Holy poo, he does this one interested look with his eyes that is beyond this film.
I hear he goes by Chris Bridges in movies? Kind of like how Dwayne goes by Dwayne Johnson. Like, why build up the brand? Either way, when Vin straight up Brando phones it in, This guy deserves a better movie.
I think the main hench was a backstreet boy? okay, my bad, Michael Irby is not a backstreet boy.
We get a bodycount on the favella, Rock smoked 16 baddies. The RC car segment was fun. Not as much car action in this one as heisting. We get some beauty shots, but the racing portions of the series seem to be ramping down, if not gone.
poo, they literally cut the race segment. I thought I was going to eat my words, then nope, they just get the porsche. Gal Gadot gets to be pretty. She's dang good at it.
They try to do a bit about the team being burned, but it doesn't work, they're CRIMINALS. One fun subversion, they kind of rely on the "it's not really him" thing with Vin having his back to Rock, then it isn't. It really is Vin.
I kinda dig the "I don't feel under arrest" bit. I also dig the second, total Stallone voice officer from the ROCK STEADY CREW "Come on H, Another day."
Also fun politic, Vin throws out that Rock isn't in America, and all the gangers pull their pieces.
Another thing I like from these films, when we go into the homes of characters, they do a good job dressing the sets. I was impressed with it in 3okyo 3rift, and I like it here. It's a weird depth of character developent that's honestly out of place in these films.
Another surprisingly deep scene in a crap film. 3rift reprise, which is funny, since this is supposed to be before 3rift. HOLY CRAP, THE RIDICULOUS SOMETHING MEASURING CONTEST ACTUALLY HAS A POINT IN THE PLOT!
They needed to know the cars could burn, and then showed them being super cool for the viewer. That's like, double payoff. This movie has no right pulling something that clever.
I really hope most of the vin/rock fight was CG, because Rocks head meets a lot of hard metal right edges.
what.the.golly. this movie just went hurt locker.
Rock's rock mobile survives, his entire team dies. even stallone voice. The vault pull is completely ridiculous, but I can't lie, it's compelling cowpoo.
Also somewhat lazy that they establish ALL the cops in the chase are baddies, and thus, expendible. oh dang, vin is murdering them with his giant vault flail.
Then rock just straight up murders the baddie, like a sneeze. Seriously, he must be bless'ed the president to get away with that poo. We were told baddie runs Rio, then BLAM BLAM, like Rock doesn't even look at the politician when he kills him.
The vault fake out is cheap. Honestly, Gal Gadot earns her MVP this movie. Dang. Sleeze lord grabbed her ass, and it got them 100 million dollars. Talk about a sexual harassment settlement. Plus the politician is dead!
Hell of a mid credits scene too. Hey, Dead person might not be dead!
Weird thing, I drank like, a poo ton of beers watching 3, and wrote far less than I did on Ast 5ive. One beer this time. Can. Miller. Not really worth writing about, but still.
