Razer USB black widow 2011.
Turns out the adapter I bought is the opposite of what I need (D'oh!)
Also, Microsoft just released a 2004 ISO, so all that updating was pointless.
Well, not pointless I guess, but certainly futile.
I tracked down the OTHER adapter I had, was back when USB mice were first being sold, Female USB to Mini-D
KEYBOARD FAILURE
realized I followed the color coding and had plugged the keyboard into the mouse port.
Flipped it over, rebooted
KEYBOARD FAILURE
Guess the keyboard doesn't get along with the adapter, I have read that Razer products can be fussy.
So I unplugged everything BUT the keyboard and display. I also switched to what I consider "USB port 1" but I'm sure that's wrong.
Got into BIOS! Yay! All that digging was for nothing, but I'm up some lighter flints, a CR2032 battery, many USB cables, and I managed to properly disable the Dell SAS poo.
So now - Windows boots. Little faster than before this line of adventure started, nothing impressive. I have BIOS access. Keyboard is responding normally, no "keystick" no phantom failures. Mouse is operating properly, Wifi adapter never gave me any problems.
Considering I started with a non booting machine, I'd say the results are pretty good!
Still rather it just work normally every time I hit the power button. But even the SNES had occasional issues.