Topic: Things that made you laugh today

[smokester]

"Independently published" explains a good deal about the lack of spell checking of the title.

I also don't think it's much of a success to only be able to muster 28 pages. Maybe he ran out of ink with all the typo correcting.

[6pairsofshoes]

Joke heard this morning.

What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?

A:  a chicken sees a salad.  (This should be read in a Boston accent.)

[goldshirt*9]

Joke heard this morning.

What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?

A:  a chicken sees a salad.  (This should be read in a Boston accent.)

  

[smokester]

Joke heard this morning.

What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?

A:  a chicken sees a salad.  (This should be read in a Boston accent.)

It certainly works in my Vinny Jones accent too.

[smokester]

Loving the new Creature Comforts shorts. They crack me up!

Here's one:

[6pairsofshoes]

I had to laugh at the joke about how many murders Mark is watching since we thrive on detective shows.  The whole Inspector Morse/Lewis series must have raised the annual murder rate of Oxford to historic levels!

[6pairsofshoes]

Have you come across Anne Cleeves yet? She has similarly raised the death rates in Northumberland (Vera) Shetland (Shetland - Jimmy Perez) and Devon (Two Rivers - Matthew Venn)

We are very well acquainted with Vera (who calls everyone "Pet") and Shetland.  My husband much prefers Shetland to Vera, but sadly, the local public television station seems to prefer Vera.  We've never seen Devon, so thank you for that, since it presents an alternative that we'll probably enjoy.  Between falling asleep in the middle of the shows and not seeing them for a sustained interval, we end up watching the same episodes repeatedly and eventually, since we know the outcome, it's not as fun, so a new detective series will be very welcome.

So as to return to the spirit of the thread, I give you this:

An airplane was about to crash. There were four passengers on board, but only three parachutes.

The first passenger said, 'I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Donald Trump, said, 'I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the smartest president in American history, so my people don't want me to die.' He took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, the Pope, said to the fourth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, 'My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.'

The little boy said, 'That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest president took my schoolbag...'

 

[6pairsofshoes]

The series set in Devon doesn't have a unifying name yet: AC calls the series "The Two Rivers", but on TV (I think) only one (The Long Call) has yet been shown.

I'll rummage around and see what we can find.

Incidentally, there's a whole ton of funny stuff about truck drivers who get into weird and uncomfortable situations by following GPS rather than their own common sense.
Here's one from The Daily Mail:
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2835159/Driver-claims-just-following-GPS-drove-semi-park-got-stuck-footbridge.html

Anothr from CTV News:
https://atlantic.ctvnews.ca/driver-blames-gps-for-stuck-truck-in-moncton-1.831876

[6pairsofshoes]

What struck me about this one was the concept of a "subway bridge".

There's all kinds of odd situations where "bridges" that should normally carry trains, automobiles or pedestrians carry other stuff.  The subway (a railway) bridge is probably needed where digging would be prohibitively expensive or too disruptive.  The oddest bridge I encountered was a bridge in the state of Pennsylvania that carried part of a canal over a creek.  It most likely was installed to insure there would be no disruption in the traffic of canal boats in an area known for lumber production where logs were regularly floated down the creek.

Q:  what do sea monsters eat?
A:  fish and ships.

[goldshirt*9]

Q:  what do sea monsters eat?
A:  fish and ships.

thats a daddy joke if ever I read one 🤣😂😂

[6pairsofshoes]

Indeed it is.  I guess if we were speaking German we could be more specific.  But yeah, it's a train whether it's underground or spanning a road intended for vehicular traffic.

More dad jokes.

Why did the coach put the frog in the outfield?
He was good at catching flies.

Another:
In the Miss Universe pageant, why are all of the winners from Earth?

[6pairsofshoes]

A few from the Garden of Eden:
God created Adam before he created Eve because he didn't want someone telling him how to create Adam.

So the night before Christmas, Adam turned to his wife and said, "It's Christmas, Eve."

How long did Cain hate his brother? As long as he was Abel.

[6pairsofshoes]

This may be terrible, depending on your frame of reference but a Scottish friend posted it on FB today.

Q:  How can I tell Mick Jagger from a Scotsman?

A:  Mick Jagger says, "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!"  while a Scotsman says, "Hey! MacLeod! Get off of my ewe!"

[6pairsofshoes]

From a slightly different angle, this made me laugh today, when I saw it elsewhere:

There's a significant percentage of them running around loose in the U.S.   And they can vote.  If they're over 35 and native born, they can even run for President.  It's hard to determine which is worse.

[6pairsofshoes]

I agree. Not funny, on reflection. Another applicable quote, from a chap called Robert Sapolsky (in a book called "Behave" - well worth a read):

We’re really out there as a species in that sometimes our high status individuals don’t merely plunder and instead actually lead, actually attempt to facilitate the common good. We’ve even developed bottom-up mechanisms for collectively choosing such leaders on occasion. A magnificent achievement. Which we then soil by having our choosing our leaders be shaped by implicit, automatic factors more suitable to five-year-olds deciding who should captain their boat on a voyage with the Teletubbies to Candyland.

There's no question that many voters prefer an entertainer to someone who has actual experience in government.  We had one movie star and now have descended to the ranks of bad reality tv.  It's disturbing that many can't determine the difference or even care, since elections have become more like popularity contests than job interviews.  Like, would you rather have Trump fix your plumbing or a licensed plumber?  Trump might be more entertaining in the short term, but when your toilet overflows, you might have the occasion to reflect on the wisdom of such a choice.