2009.
Honestly, I'm not what do you call it, happily predisposed to the film. Like, I'm preset to not like this poo.
I did like some portions of the prior films, how they were a window into the existence of the time they were made.
Honestly, those notes were better than the actual movies.
Which creates a predominant rot to any contemporary or remake of the film.
And honestly, this is a concept that could be neatly bookended by a conspiracy. Apparently the video game did it, but the movies failed.
Like, Jason X, product of the time, whatever, it left the planet, it can safely be ignored.
The attempted 2009 reboot? It's sour.
We see a camp counselor facing off with some Lydia deetz looking madam, and it's a pale bless'ed imitation.
Like the original film had two counselors get ganked in 1957, and it was like, the first two minutes.
Here we get the weirdly contemporary counselor (read, no costume budget) counselor facing off against the prementioned Lydia deetz version of Pam Vorhees, and that's poo.
Like one of the few things this series did well, was the scream like reveal that the killer was not some supernatural horseshit, but the mother of a child, totally cracked.
Like that's GOOD! And if you want to say that created a psychic wound, and this lake in upstate NY is now cursed, FANTASTIC, you could set a horror movie every 5-10 years.
Instead the 1980's ran the series into the ground, and new line just pooped in it. Jason goes to hell was an insult to movies in general, and Jason X may as well be it's own thing.
So here we are, we're all cynical and poo, and it's 2009. How do we send these kids to CAMP BLOOD (AKA crystal lake)
Well, first we've got the ghost thing, and honestly, that would work, people REALLY want to visit camp crystal lake despite the entire F13 series being fiction.
So that's the bait. Scary tour. The compulsory cynical note is that someone is growing weed nearby, and some of the group are here to collect.
This makes me sad because it could be 1994, 2004, or 2009, and the motivation works.
(More later, I'm still writing this)
The entire cast dies in the first 23 minutes, and then we reboot. This offends me.
2009
Are you shitting me, we get a second cast 23 minutes in, and they're at the haunted gas station from every horror movie ever.
The original movie did this better, with the counselor catching a ride into the lake. It's a good way to write a cold entry, invests you with the character, it feels like you're riding in with them.
Unlike this piece of poo movie.
WHAT THE golly THAT IS SAM WINCHESTER.
Honestly, that might be fun, but I can't see the license holders folding on this one. Still, Winchesters Vs. Jason would be fun.
We do get a hint at a conspiracy, but I know we aren't getting payoff on this. Cop rolls sammy winchester and tells him to look elsewhere for his missing sister. He's right doe.
Honestly, I'm having trouble not viewing him as Sam Winchester. Like, I know he's not, but still
So going forward, he's not Sam Winchester. He's Clay... Williams I think? He's looking for his sister, Whitney Willams. alliteration!
So we get a modern joker cabin. It's a downgrade from prior films, soulless garbage.
Rich kid Torg tells everyone not to golly the place up, because it belongs to his parents. HA. Also HA.
I don't like these teens, they're rich kids, the original kids were working a job.
CLAY WILLIAMS visits a barn, which is like, 2 through 5 right there.
Dipshit tries to sell him weed. Honestly, it feels like the GPS, secret weed grow thing was from an earlier script, for a different take on the movie. I mean, that's consistant, that's happened before on the series.
Clay reaches the rich bottom house, and it is revealed that his name is actually Clay.
Like his sister Whitney is turbo-dead, but he deserved better than these rich fuckheads.
I did like his face off with rich golly Trent. Whom I will call Torg from now on.
Barn man accumulates weed, but I know in a movie like this, it's a death sentence.
They make it gross, like come on, spare me that poo. Dude licks his porno mag.
Lick weirdo gets his throat cut. Jason finds his mask. This movie is creatively bankrupt.
We get a mystery, a smashed GPS
but 44:00 bewbs
Meanwhile at lame rich golly cabin, they try to make rich kid drink beer out of a shoe. It's lame.
We get whatever this band is, topless boat skiing.
Boat boy gets an arrow in the face, topless girl eats a boat to the face... and survives. You do not survive a boat to the face, this is lame.
Jason like, mocks topless waterski girl. Like he poses, wearing no shirt and a jacket, just to freak her out.
Meanwhile, Sam Winche- sorry, Clay, and brunette girl explore camp crystal lake.
Topless blonde has a bad time the machete to the head feels retardedly preditermined, her boobs being in the shot seems... gross? I'm going to say gross.
Seriously, she's under the dock, gets a machete to the head, and Jason pulls it up, just to display her boobs. It's... depressing.
Clay and brunette chick investigating the abondoned camp is dope, like I dig it. I loved never hike alone, and this is good stuff.
Eh, it's a bit CW, the abandoned camp feels a bit cheap.
Fair enough, Never Hike Alone was a fan film for a reason.
This Jason is thinky, he lights the camp up and throws some canoes about. I don't really get that. Like, he doesn't like canoes? Him flipping on flood lights is the most thinky thing Jason has ever done.
He's not too bright, I'm saying.
Jason does hate swimming.
Brunette hits a tripline, Clays sister is apparently alive and a prisoner.
Interesting twist, Jason hasn't bothered with prisoners in past.
His whole, creepy camp seems off, like something out of a different franchise, but I can't quite name it.
But like, it ain't F13.
Whitney redhead is amazingly handy, but I don't trust it. sure enough, she gets rumbled.
I don't like predicting movies, it makes me feel stupid for watching them.
We go back to rich moron cabin. Blonde girl dances seductively.
Black guy and asian vaguely resent their lack of agency while drinking shots.
Rich whiteboy talks poo.
Asian burns himself on the shotglass, white douche demands he fix the chair.
Honestly, I don't get why anyone was friends with Torg frat douche, and black guy and asian are beyond token.
Apparently there's plenty of budweiser though.
Asian rips off rich boy's parents liquor stash
Token black hits a bong and longs for porno, he settles for a sweater catalog.
Have some self respect fool!
God damn, the frat guy is soo garbage. His name is trent.
Asian dude finds a hockey stick. Talk about death bait.
Yup, flathead through the throat.
Sure enough, Trent tells everyone to leave, like a turbo douche.
Black guy... honestly it's gross. He grabs a wok and tells everyone not to judge him.
Clay Winchester says that Jason is using the black guy as bait, and honestly I think that's giving the movie too much credit.
Okay, we're down to four people.
Torg Douche, blondie mc useless, brunette lastgirl, and Clay Winchester.
Torg Douche pulls a pistol, which we know doesn't work against jason, like you can hit him with a shotgun blast and he'll fold you in half like a couch bed.
Yup, Blondie had sex, she's doomed. Jason slams her on some door antlers.
Honestly, Door antlers? LAME AS golly blondie. WHO THE golly HAS DOOR ANTLERS?
Also, when Torg douche talked about your nipple placement you should have killed him.
Worthless McCop shows up, and like, why? We know cops can't hang in a Jason situation.
Sure enough, the cop INSTANTLY eats a fireplace poker.
At least we've got pace. We're down to three people. Torg, brunette, and clay.
They find Blonde McNipples. Her name was Bree.
They try to escape, Jason is a dirty key theif.
Jason drops Bree on the police cruiser, which is a callback no one will recognize.
Torg loses his pistol, and runs off into the woods like a madam
Torg is offered like, a super creepy out. Like he almost gets run over by a truck, the driver stops ominously.
Nope, Jason imaples the poo out of Torg. Truck drives off.
That was a weird, honestly impressive gag. Not in like, comedy gag,
but effects in films are often times called gags.
brunette and clay revisit the overly dressed camp crystal lake sets.
Clay has like, a scicle stabby thing? Brunette just has a 1970's maglite.
okay, the scicle stabby thing is some form of claw hammer, they're crab walking through jason's super weird hoard. He's got wheelchairs, he's got plant hangers...
Clay finds his sister, but honestly I don't trust it.
Jason rolls up in the hoard.
Clay, Brunette, and Redhead are in danger! It's like a mineshaft filled with hoarder poo.
Brunette gets shishkabobbed. Honestly, I don't remember her name, but she's suuuuuuuuuuuuuper dead.
Clay and Whitney do the usual horror movie struggle, there is a bus?
Jason feeds the windshield to clay.
Honestly, they should have used the RV from the F13 comedy movie, it would have fit perfectly, it would be at the location, it would be decrepit from when Jason ran it off the road in the 1980's.
Whitney escapes Jason, Clay is conveniently not dead, they run through the woods to the barn from earlier.
SERIOUSLY?
WEAK.
Barn is also hoarder hell, I think hollywood learned a stupid lesson from the chainsaw remake.
Which is "Remaking old slasher franchises is easy"
Whitney fakes Jason out with a locket, they hang Jason, which, honestly, is the best way to deal with Jason.
oh poo, jason broke the chain.
Thankfully, Jason gets sucked into some form of shredding device. Like, is that a wood chipper? I don't know.
Whitney gets a lame final girl moment feeding Jason ot the shredder.
Like I assume the worms from Friday 9 are no longer in play.
Clay dumps Jason into the lake, which is beyond stupid. BURN THE fool!
Like, at least the movie got the mask right?
I feel like they thought killing off the brunette waas subversive, like they were doing something new by killing off the final girl?
The ending similarly stole from the original movie. They kill jason, dump him in the lake, then SURPRISE BITCHES! he pops up to kill Whitney.
Honestly, this was better than Jason goes to hell, but that isn't saying much.
It's like someone watched cabin in the woods and learned absolutely nothing. No, it's like someone watched Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil, and learned nothing.
Like, Tucker and Dale hinted at a backstory that DIDN'T EXIST.
F13 doesn't have that excuse.
