Topic: Good Jokes.

[chekovsulu]

Teacher: What is 2k + k?
Student: 3000!

[smokester]

Teacher: What is 2k + k?
Student: 3000!

Are we talking Boltzmann?

[chekovsulu]

Eh?  No.  My maths only went up to A-level, and I can only remember what I learnt at GCSE.  Unless it's fizicks, which is what Wikipedia suggests - for me that went up to GCSE and then they had too many people doing it for A-level and stuck me in Biology.

[MisterAJ]

Eh?  No.  My maths only went up to A-level, and I can only remember what I learnt at GCSE.  Unless it's fizicks, which is what Wikipedia suggests - for me that went up to GCSE and then they had too many people doing it for A-level and stuck me in Biology.

Man, thats a good joke... it had me rolling in stitches...


 

[MisterAJ]

rofl...

You've got Blonde

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, ?Is something wrong??

To which she replied, ?There certainly is!?

My stupid computer keeps saying, ?You?ve got mail!?

First Class Blonde

A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

[MisterAJ]

I concur...

[dweez]

A blonde jhb...could be interesting.

[Robin-Graves]

Got a Joke I heard along time at a bar with Raven

This kid is walking down the street middleof the night when the police show up and stop him,,
The cop says " hey sonny,,why you walking down the street?"
The kid says " I looking for a hooker"
Cop says " why you want a hooker for?"
Kid says" I want to catch a sexualy transmitted desease"
" Waht the hell you want one of those for?" asks the cop
" well " says the kid" I want to catch one to go home and screw the babysiter,,that way she can screw my dad,,my dad can screw my mom,and my momcan screw the gardener who I want to have one cause the politician squashed my frog!"



Thank you,,thank you very much,,Elvis has left the building!

[MisterAJ]

Thank you,,thank you very much,,Elvis has left the building!

Quick: lock the door...

[MisterAJ]

bad D&D jokes

Did you hear about the evil wizard who liked to give people hickies?
He was a neck romancer.

Q: How do you get a chord from half-orc bards?
A: Ask three of them to play the same note.

Q: Why do dwarven bards sound better by candlelight?
A: You can shove the wax in your ears.

How many Elves does it take to light a candle?
A. Three: one to sing, one to dance, one to summon the spiritual guardian of joyous flame forth into the realm material.

A group of players are sitting around a table waiting for their DM to get his notes together and start the game.
Travis, who plays a rogue, couldn?t attend the last session because of a family event. The DM?s policy is to let another player run the absentee?s character. Travis, doesn?t know who nor does he care. His gaming buds are a fairly trustworthy lot.
Travis: ?So what happened last time? Did my rogue get enough experience to finally gain a level?
Steve: ?No, actually your character died.?
Travis: ?WHAT??
Nods of affirmation come from the other players.
Steve: ?Yeah. Sorry, but your character had an alignment change. He suddenly went from being just plain neutral to chaotic evil. He tried to kill and steal from the group. My paladin had to kill him.
Travis: ?No way.?
Steve: ?Yeah, the only good thing that came out of it was that my paladin got enough experience to gain a level.?
Travis: ?Wait, who ran my character??
Steve: ?I did.?

Did you here about the priests of the Dairy God?
Apparently, they have the power to churn undead.

A guy wearing black robes and reeking of the grave walks into the tavern. Strangely the man is being strangled by a severed hand.
The bartender mumbles ?We don?t serve no death mages here??
The guy in the robes gasps and mangages to whisper, ?One drink??
The bartender looks at the poor guy shakes his head and says ?Ok, one. What will you have?
The customer says ?Make it a stiff one? As he says stiff the hand seems to squeeze harder.
The bartender puts out a Mug of Ale. ?It?s pretty strong, made it myself?. The guy in robes gasps ?Stiffer!?.
The barkeep puts out a Elven Wine. ?Stiffer!? The guy in robes is starting to pass out.
The barkeep quickly runs to the cellar and gets a flask of dwarven whiskey. When he runs up the guy in the robes is on one knee.
The barkeep wants to honor this guys last request so he pours him a shot and hands it to the guy in robes. The necromancer pours it on the hand and it falls to the ground.
The mage regains his composure, throws some gold on the bar and leaves with the hand following behind him.
The bartender yells after him ?That was amazing, what was that all about?
To which the necromancer says, ?It takes a potent spirit to control the dead.?

How many elves does it take to sharpen a sword?
Three: one to sharpen the sword and two to write a song about it so that when the first elf is done, four hundred years later, they?ll remember whose sword it was.

An animated Rope walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The 1/2 Orc bartender says gruffly: ?We don?t serve Animated ropes in here - now get out!?
Dejected the rope leaves.
5 rounds later, the rope returns wearing a bad disguise: one end has all the strands unraveled resembling a blonde wig, and the other end tied up in a bow.
The savvy Bartender is not fooled. Enraged he says: Hey! Are you that animated rope I kicked out of here just a few rounds ago?!
To which the rope smoothly replies: Nope, I?m a frayed knot?

A skeleton walks into a bar and ask the Bartender: ?Do you serve skeletons here??
Times being what they are the wily Bartender replies: ?sure, we serve anyone.?
The skeleton hands the man a silver and says: ?Fine, I?ll have a pitcher of beer?and a mop?

A Halfling, a Gnome, and a Half-Orc are running away from the city guard when they come to a forest, and they each decide to hide by climbing a tree.
When the Guardsmen arrive, they go to the first tree where the Halfling is hiding and shout, ?We know you?re up there, come down!?
The Halfling, thinking fast, says, ?Tweet, tweet, tweet!?
The Guardsmen, thinking that it?s a bird, move on to the next tree where the Gnome is hiding and once again shout, ?We know you?re up there, come down!?
The Gnome, thinking fast, says, ?Whoo, whoo, whoo!?
The Guardsmen, thinking that it?s an owl, move on to the next tree where the Half-Orc is hiding and once again shout, ?We know you?re up there, come down!?
The Half-Orc thinks for a while and then says, ?Moo, moo, moo??

What is the most disliked giant?
Easy, a gas giant!
(Bad astronomy pun, and a horrible idea for a monster.)

I am not saying that the knight is a bit dense, but everyone calls him a Paladim.

[Robin-Graves]

Good thing I play Rifts

[ohcheap1]

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning  Uphill... barefoot...   BOTH ways 

Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay   a bunch of crap like that o n kids about how hard I had it   and how easy they've got it!   But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!   And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!   There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen!  Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!  Stamps were 10 cents! Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us.  As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass!  Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3' s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!   Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players!  We had tape decks in our car.  We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone. Cause that's how we rolled dig? 

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!  When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! 

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens; it was just one screen forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE! 

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel! There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little %$#?s

And we didn't have microwaves, if w e wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!   That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy.  You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!

[MisterAJ]

I'm 29, and I survived 10 years of the dreaded 80's...

[MisterAJ]

You might be a redneck... By Jeff Foxworthy...

  You think the last words to
The Star Spangled Banner are
"Gentlemen, start your engines."


You think Sherlock Holmes is a
housing project down in Biloxi.


You think a stock tip is
advice on worming' your hogs.


You've been married three times
and still have the same in-laws.


You think TACO BELL is
the Mexican Phone Company


Your state's got a new law that says
when a couple get divorced,
they are still legally brother and sister.


Your house still has the
"WIDE LOAD"
sign on the back.


You got stopped by a state trooper.
He asked you if you had an I.D.
And you said, 'Bout What?'


Non
Athletic
Sport
Created
Around
Rednecks


You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.


Your sister is the third generation
of women in your family to conceive
a baby as a result of an alien abduction.


If you can burp
and say your name at the same time,
you're shur'nuff a redneck.


You think Possum is
"The Other White Meat"


You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.


You hooked up with your present girlfriend
as a result of a message on the wall of
the mens' room at the Flying J Truck Stop.


The centerpiece on your dining room table
is an original signed work
by a famous taxidermist.



You think a quarter horse is
a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.


You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.


Your huntin dawg had a litter of puppies in the living room and nobody noticed.


You think safe sex is a padded headboard.


You think subdivision is part of a math problem.


You think there's nothin wrong with incest
as long as you keep it in the family.


You may be a Redneck if ...
You and your dog use the same tree.


You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.


Your father executes the "pull my finger"
trick during Christmas dinner.


You believe dual air bags refer
to your wife and mother-in-law.


You've got more than
one brother named 'Darryl'.



You think the OJ Trial was a
Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.



THE TOP COUNTRY & WESTERN SONGS THIS WEEK

7.  I Never Went To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.

6.  If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

5.  Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause She Might Win.

4.  I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.

3.  She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

2.  She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day


You were acquitted for murdering
your first wife after she threw
out your Elvis 8-tracks.


You think watching professional
wrestling is foreplay.


The people on Jerry Springer's show
remind you of your neighbors


Your front porch collapses
and four dogs git killed.


Your grandfather died and left everything to his widow.
But she can't touch it until she's fourteen.


Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."


You've ever had to scratch your sisters
name out of a message that begins,
"For a good time time call..."


You know yer a redneck when you take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took


Your whole family is Democrats
'cept little Mary.
She lernt how to read.


You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph.


You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.


You have a bumper sticker that says,
"MY MOTHER'S AN HONOR STUDENT
AT SOUTH LITTLE ROCK JR. HIGH."


You take a six-pack cooler to church.


Your family tree has no forks.


You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.


You had to remove a toothpick
for your wedding pictures.


You use a weedeater in your living room.


You consider your license plate personalized because
your dad made it in prison.


You have a rag for a gas cap.


The blue book value of your truck goes up and down
depending on how much gas it has in it.


The third grade teacher says little Bubba
could be a mathematical genius
because he's got thirteen fingers.


Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.


You have to go outside to get
something out of the 'fridge.


A seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.


One of your kids was born on a pool table.


You have spray painted your
girlfriend's name on an overpass.


Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.


Someone asks to see your ID and you
show them your belt buckle.


Your dad walks you to school because
you are both in the same grade.


Mailpouch sends you Christmas cards.


Down where you come from reruns of
Hee Haw are called documentaries.


Your house doesn't have curtains,
but your truck does.


You need one more hole punched in your card
to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.


You have flowers planted in a
bathroom fixture in your front yard.


On your first date you had to ask your
Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.


You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance
were just "misunderstood".


If you refer to the fifth grade
as, "your senior year".


Three quarters of the clothes you
own have LOGOS on them.


The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.


Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.


Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.


You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.


You just bought an 8-track
player to put in your truck.


You've ever climbed a water tower
with a bucket of paint
to defend your sister's honor.


It's easier to spray weed killer
on your lawn than mow it.


You think the three primary colors are
John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray.


Your pickup has a two-tone paint job
-- primer red and primer gray.


Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart
'cause there is a law against it.


You've been on TV more than 5 times
describing the sound of a tornado.


The beer can collection in the
town museum is the big tourist attraction.


You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.


Your aunt and your grandmother went to the funeral and had a fight over who gets to be the widow.


You can tell your age by the
number of rings in the bathtub.


You may be a redneck if you ever
used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.


You can change the oil in your truck
without ducking your head.


During your senior year you and
your mother had homeroom together.


You're a lite beer drinker 'cause you start drinkin beer when it gets light.


You think the stock market
has fence around it.


Your stereo speakers used to belong
to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.


You own a homemade fur coat.


Your entire family has ever sat around
waiting for a call from the Governor
to spare a loved one.


Your wife has ever said,
"Come move this transmission
so I can take a bath."


You think loading the dishwasher
means getting your wife drunk.


YOU REFER TO THE TIME YOU WON
A FREE CASE OF MOTOR OIL AS
"THE DAY MY SHIP CAME IN."



The FBI surrounded your trailer park
twice so far this year.


You use a NASCAR credit card.



Your brother-in-law is your uncle
AND your grandfather.


you might be a redneck if....
Your parents met at a family reunion.


You believe that beef jerky and Moon Pies
are two of the major food groups.


You stare at an orange juice container
because it says, "CONCENTRATE".


YOUR IDEA OF HIGH-QUALITY ENTERTAINMENT
IS A SIX-PACK AND A BUG-ZAPPER.


You wonder how service stations
keep their restrooms so clean.


Anyone in your family died right
after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!".


You couldn't learn to swim
because
your gene pool is too small.


Your wife's job requires her
to wear an orange vest.


You have the local taxidermist's
number on speed dial.


On Thanksgiving Day you have
to decide which pet to eat.


Your school fight song is"Dueling Banjos".


You think "taking out the trash"
means taking your in-laws to a movie.


Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.


You got Clapper devices controlling
the appliances in your house.


You think a hot tub is
a stolen bathroom fixture.



The gas pedal on your car
is shaped like a bare foot.


They just raised the drinking age in your state to 32 on
account of they wanted to keep alcohol out of the schools


You hammer bottle caps into the
frame of your front door to make it look nice.


The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.


The taillight covers of your car
are made of red tape.


You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.


You've ever been involved in a
custody fight over a hunting dog.


The KKK kicked you out for being a bigot.


You think a turtleneck is
a key ingredient for soup.


You think the French
Riviera is a foreign car.


Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.


You no longer drink wine ever since
the screw cap got caught up your nose.


You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.


That billboard that says,
"SAY NO TO CRACK"
reminds you to pull up your jeans.


Your wife's hairdo was once ruined
by a ceiling fan.


You go to your family reunion
looking for a date.


You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.


Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.


Your high school basketball game got rained out.


You've got more than three cousins
named 'Bubba'.


You have a close relative named "Cletus".


You ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin contest.


You wish your outhouse was as nice
as those at the state park.


Last year you hid yer kids'
Easter eggs under cow pies.


Your family always goes to the movies in groups of 18 or
more 'cause they were told 17 and under are not admitted.


Jack Daniels makes your list
of "Most Admired People"


Your dog can't watch you eat
without getting sick.


You think the winter olympic sport of curling
is part of the "Big Hair" competition.


When you was little, your front yard got toilet papered
and your momma thought it was a gift from God.


You've painted a car with house paint.


You're banned from the Memphis Zoo because you disturb the monkeys.


You ever named a child after a dog.


You have more belt-buckles than pants.


You removed the back seat from your
car so all yer kids could fit in.


You think taking a bubble bath starts
with eating beans for dinner.


Your child's first words were
"Attention K-Mart shoppers!"


YOU'VE EVER COME HOME
AND FOUND CRIME SCENE TAPE
ACROSS YOUR FRONT PORCH.


You think a woman who is
"out of your league"
bowls on a different night.

[ohcheap1]

GOTTA  PEE
 
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives; however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee; so they stopped in the cemetery.
Neither had anything to wipe with so one of them thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they continued on home.
The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed, hung over; so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. .. my wife came home with no panties!'
'That's nothing,' said the other husband.
'Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.''